Why, in this day in age, is it so hard for people to be upstanding, decent role models and citizens anymore? Why, is it that, parents do not understand their role in the upbringing of their children?
More children than I’m comfortable with these days are either sad, destructive, and/or alone. Why?! Please people, stop and take the time to TALK to your children! Spend time with them, have family nights once a week or once a month. Take the time to actually FIGHT for your children! It wasn’t their choice to be born, both parents SHOULD be held liable! When a woman chooses to bring life into the world, she has chosen to put herself in the background and to put her baby above her own needs.
I’m going to write about several situations that I just can’t stay quite about anymore. It bothers me to beyond belief, that children are not put on a higher pedestal. Children grow to become our next generation, it’s that simple. They are our legacy, our possibilities and our future. Sometimes the parent has to be the bad guy, as well as a friend, I know it’s confusing but hey it’s the way it is. You, as a parent, are responsible for the things that your children learn, YOU are their teacher.
We will start with a simple story first. My god-son invited me over to meet his girlfriend. I got there about an hour or so before she did and I took a good, long look at him. I asked, “Son, do you like this girl?” His response was, “Yeah ma. You know I do, I’m introducing her to you”. I let him know real quick that the “mom gene” was kicking and I was getting ready to break it down for him. “Sweetheart, is that what you’re wearing?” He looked at me dumb-founded. I told him, “It doesn’t matter if you change your shirt but you need to get in there and trade the stained jogging pants for some jeans and brush your hair. You said you liked her, right? Show her.” He did what I asked, shaking his head the whole time and then came back to the living room to chat. I just don’t understand what is wrong with impressing the person you like, it’s not that hard to show your interest with a little effort. Last thing I asked was, “Son, have you kissed this girl yet?” He blushed and answered, “Ma, I’m not going to talk to you about that” as he laughed. I asked again but explained more bluntly, “If you plan on getting kissed today, just do me a favor and go brush your teeth. Sweetie it doesn’t take much to show her, you like her.”
This is a story of one of my friends from childhood. When divorce is the only option for a family, the parents are always supposed to put their children first. In a separation, the adult’s feelings are NO longer the priority! The children should always be, THE most important, throughout the whole situation. What happens, when the dad is the one standing up taller than the mom? We applaud the dad of course! But he has to have the backbone to, really STAND tall. Yes, I will never understand the women that are able to carry a child for nine months, to nourish an extension of themselves and just walk away or not do everything within their power for that child!? It is your job as a parent, even if you are in the most pain in the world over the breakup, to keep it behind closed doors. As mean and painful as it sounds, you NO longer matter. You are a parent and putting them in the middle of those situations is inexcusable, that is emotional damage that does not need to involve the children. Don’t talk bad about the other parent! That is YOUR opinion and the children deserve the right, to form their own. If you need to cry, piss or moan; do it in private. Don’t make excuses, show results! Too much stress on a young mind can cause all kinds of psychological issues that they will possibly need therapy for later in life. They are young teens, they are smart and they are not blind or deaf. The mom has shown mental issues and instability in more than one instance!!! You have the power to help yourself! You are a parent, grow up and suck it up buttercup; your children’s emotional well being is more important than uncalled for, childish, and insane outbursts! And dad, stop letting her get away with it, your children should be the most important thing through this separation and divorce. “She can only do to you and the children, what you allow her to do!” If you see them in pain or distress and/or being put in harmful situations, put a stop to it! You are not defenseless and it’s not that you want to throw a jab at the wife/ex-wife, you are putting the children’s welfare above the feelings of either one of you. THAT is what you are suppose to do as a parent, put your children first!
My own daughter was a huge reason, I am so old fashioned I think, LOL. She may kill me now but when she becomes a mother way later in life, I hope of a little girl :), she will retell this story. When she was twelve, I let her go to a birthday party at a friends house; I dropped her off and picked her up. A day or two later, I was on the phone and opened my scrap notebook to write down a number, to see a very personal journal entry. I have no idea why it wasn’t written in her diary where it would’ve forever stayed private but instead, in my living room phone notebook? I was very sad for the words I read and immediately drove her back over to the party house. I explained to the parents, “I have no idea why you weren’t watching the children, you invited over to your home? Children between the ages of ten and twelve should never have been alone long enough to play spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven the entire time. Call me old fashioned but to me, that is too young and not appropriate, so my daughter will not be associating with yours in the future.” And I turned and walked away with my daughter in hand. Why is it so hard for the parent to actually be involved in and with their children’s lives? Embarrassingly my child was not allowed to go to other people’s houses after that, everyone came to my home. I’m going to be up in my daughter’s business. I’m going to be corny and funny, intrusive, bossy and strict. That is my job as her mother. She was lucky, if I didn’t hang out with her and her friends the entire time they were over, LOL. But guess what, I am the one responsible for her. I am the one that will watch her, talk to her, show her praise and tell her the truth; the good and the bad. “Don’t do as I do wrong, learn from what I have done wrong!” is one of my sayings. I am there as her mother to show her, I want better for you! When I was reprimanding my daughter again at fourteen over text messages I explained, “I am trying to raise a young lady that will have pride and respect within herself and can hold true to moral values. You are a gem and you worth so much more than you give yourself credit for!” She was forced to put up on all social media that she was grounded until she could learn to talk and act like a young lady, for about seven months. I may have been bossy and nosey but my daughter grew up strong and stubborn, talented and beautiful, intelligent and infectious, as well as loud and very funny. She lights up any room she walks into when she’s in a good mood and her friends can tell immediately when she’s not. She is hard working and very empathetic. Church is a big part of her life and she has already been approved to a very prestigious university, waiting for testing to get her accepted. I couldn’t be prouder of the way she has blossomed into such a responsible and genuine young lady. I think it goes to show that connecting with your child can NEVER be a bad thing but instead show them the possibilities of what can be, if given half the chance. Knock that teenage chip off their shoulder and be the shoulder they can lean on!
I just argued earlier this week with my youngest daughter’s father because I never have an up to date phone number for him. I know times get tough and when you use a prepaid company and your bill goes unpaid for so long, they give anyway the number. But I as his daughter’s mother, should never call the number he gave me and reach a stranger at seven-thirty in the morning. I apologized for calling so early, I was embarrassed and upset that I couldn’t get in touch with her father without going through his poor parents. I looked back through my notes and counted he has had over fifty different phone numbers since 2005. Our daughter was very recently attacked by a rescue dog that she was asked repeatedly not to go around but hey she is twelve, an animal lover and how often do children really listen. We ended up in the emergency room and she was released with a doctor’s note from gym for seven to ten days. Since I can’t ever get him on the phone, I decided to say everything that I needed to say, to give myself peace as well as try to get my daughter’s father back for her. I demanded that he stand up, be a man and be the dad she deserves. At first he was offended but it was the truth. Currently he lives a quarter of mile down the driveway from his parents on their land and yes he does work but why is it that my daughter drops him off at his trailer and goes home with nana ALL the time?! For over a decade, she cried and complained that, one day a month wasn’t enough daddy time! I’ve had plenty of discussions with him and his parents on this very subject over the years. I have had major issues with dating or even having male friends because of her abandonment issues, she would immediately cling and get attached to any male that came around me, so I almost literally stayed single. See the background to this story is, right after she turned one and was learning how to walk; she fell and hit her face which in turn, turned into two black eyes :(. I immediately called her dad and told him that she was trying to run after her sister and fell, like the responsible other parent is supposed to do. I dropped her off on Friday for normal visitation and when I came back to pick her up there were no trespassing signs up and a sheriff waiting to arrest me if I even tried to pick up my daughter. He was man enough to be honest and tell the sheriff as well as protective services and later the judge, “Her mom has never laid a hand on either of her daughters and I have never worried about that but I do worry about who she is bringing around my child”. Yup that BS actually flew. Her father and his parents, basically held her hostage on their property for close to ten months while waiting for court because if I would’ve seen them out at a grocery store; I could’ve picked her up and took her with me and they wouldn’t have been able to stop me. When we finally got to court, the judge told him, “No matter what social services says was in your best interest, it was not in the best interest of your daughter”. Basically, he legally kidnapped our daughter. “Sir, that was so immoral, that I have to ask the mother…what custody do you want ma’am?” Because I have always put my daughter’s needs above my own I simply told the judge, “My oldest daughter doesn’t have the option of a father, he was under some insane notion and thought he was trying to protect our daughter and I believe he wants to be a real dad. But because of his asinine choices, my own daughter doesn’t know me or her sister anymore and we have to do this respectfully for my daughter’s mental health. She is the only one that matters, so I am asking for shared/joint custody, holding physical custody with myself and I hope we can put our feelings aside to work together for our daughter in the future”. I was naïve in thinking that he would do more. The judge set what I asked for and my parents almost disowned me but I had to do what was right and put my daughter’s emotional, spiritual and mental well being first over my own feelings and theirs. I told him during our recent conversation that especially because of the past, she DESERVED more. He should’ve been with her since day one of joint custody, every moment possible! His argument was, he works. Half the time, he was chasing some skirt, I left that part out and I simply stated, “When she isn’t in school and I am not at work myself, where do you think she is? With me, ALL the time, I am her mom and that’s exactly what you should’ve been doing for the last twelve years as her father”. I expressed how painful it is to see her abandonment issues and how she begs for his attention. I told him to start being the dad she deserved or be the father I was taking back to court. We currently have joint custody with me having physical. I will be asking for sole/primary/physical custody, not to take anything away from him or his parents but THAT title is earned by actually being a parent. I have always put her needs first and included the other side of her family against my own families wishes. I have begged long enough for her dad to notice his own daughter. I love my daughter and I have fought for her, to have the chance at happiness and a connection with both parents and not just one. The courts ordered every other weekend and every Wednesday. I give her nana every weekend and most school vacation times, I have the whole twelve years, in hopes that she will be able to spend more time with her dad because that’s what a responsible mother is supposed to do; demand more for your child. I don’t have a clue when he will take the ear plugs out and finally listen. To actually realize that I am not trying to hurt him or control him, I want what is best for our daughter and I will always fight for that!
This last story is a doozy. An extended young family member will be a topic I will discuss, not to hurt her but in hopes of helping her! Someone needs to tell the truth, so that maybe she can open her own eyes and see that she desperately needs someone to stand up for her, whether she knows it or not. This one story will cover so many subtopics within that it disturbs me. It started with this girl, a bestfriend and her inappropriate aged boyfriend. Next thing you know, she has stolen the best friend’s boyfriend. At fifteen years old, she should’ve never had the opportunity to call an eighteen year old boy, her boyfriend. To make it worse, the bestfriend was only twelve! The parents and step-parents tried to end the situation and forced her to break it off. For months the twelve year old, ex-bestfriend, and eighteen year old started a relationship again and were seen together even after being turned into protective services and the police. Which seemed to take months to see a result but before a real case could be made against this eighteen year old pedophile, the family moved. The ex-best friend’s family moved away as well. It’s on social media that he has moved right on to another very young helpless victim! I hope the police and social services are able to do something about him before another young lady’s life is devastatingly affected. After they moved away, she was caught lying, skipping school and doing drugs. I tried to advise her step-mom to discuss with the father, filing for emergency temporary custody. “Someone should have been watching her, talking to her, she shouldn’t have had all that free time to do the things she is in trouble for, she should’ve never been soooo alone at a young age, especially being female with all the emotions we bring to the table. Her dad wasn’t given the choice to participate in her upbringing because of the mom but she is his daughter.” I finally got together enough guts to tell him myself, “I know it isn’t exactly my place but I am family and I care!!! Please don’t just close or delete this message, I really need these words read. Not to hurt you at all but to help your daughter. She deserves a parent that is going to stand up for her and put their foot down. I know that YOU can be IT, you are an amazing father. It’s what makes me respect you so much as a man, for the dedication and effort you put forth as a dad and a husband. Your daughter needs the same love and commitment. You are right, she needs boundaries. I am not saying that her mom is a bad mom but she has made bad choices and it is in the best interest of the child to be placed in a different situation. Her mom has had a traumatic brain injury, from what I know it causes memory loss. Which is not her fault at all but it has resulted in the security issues with your daughter. With the co-parent, her step-dad (which should have always been you, her father!) is always gone at work and only home on the weekends, I believe. I know her step-dad loves her mom and her but he is not the person that should be backing the mom up. And the step-dad just found out that mom has been lying when she tells him that she keeps their daughter grounded during the week while he’s out of town. Currently you live a couple blocks from each other, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t know your own daughter. I do blame her mom for that. As a parent, you put the child’s needs above your own; always. I have learned that you have to force them to talk. You have to pull them into conversation, no matter the topic. No child really wants to talk to their parents but if we don’t get involved, it’s quite evident that a child feels terribly alone. We have to be corny, intrusive, bossy and strict. I told your wife a week and a half ago that your daughter’s Instagram felt off to me, it wasn’t the pictures. It was the way the captions had been stated, dark. By the time your wife was able to look her page up, the captions had been changed or the pics just deleted. Your daughter really needs help, show this message to her doctor or whatever you have to do to get your daughter the help she needs. Your home is stable, with two parents that actually spend nights under the same roof, she has two half sisters that love her very much. Yes, there are things you as a couple are working on but you’re truthful in the love and need you both have for each other. I think she would benefit from staying with you for a little while. She can be monitored and someone will always be there if she needs someone to talk to! Cutting is a cry for help so loud, it should bust eardrums. Someone hurting so deeply that they try to turn the pain from emotional to physical in hopes of releasing it. In hopes that when it scars, the pain is somehow gone. No I have never participated but I am a very empathetic person, I try to understand why so I can do my very best to help them through. Remember I was the first to have a kid in our family, experience is knowledge. And when I was sick recently and my daughter showed her ass, who did I want in my corner to help with her?! The both of you, you and your wife. A united front of strong and caring people (family) that could help me and I would tell anyone else that ever asked your daughter is in need of an actual loving and stable two parent household. So that the child can not just run over the single parent, a united front that’s home every night gives a parent the power to enforce the rules without having it come down to bad situations whether it be emotional or physical. I had my downs with boys and my own daughter in 9th grade. Somehow we got through it and if you’re there for your daughter and make her talk, I hope you’ll make it through as well. A young woman’s emotions and hormones can make choices for her that she didn’t think she would make. I haven’t let my daughter out of my sight since twelve, until this year at seventeen. The moment I asked you to take my daughter over, is a RARE moment, she doesn’t do things like that. It surprised and hurt me so I know what it’s like to have that moment where you’re like, ‘who is she, this isn’t my little girl right now?’ Your daughter’s mother has put you in this very position all of her life and that again is never fair. So please, give me and your daughter some peace and fight for her. Fight to be the dad she has always needed but never had the option of, fight to be her rock, fight to show her how a real man is suppose to treat a woman because you show us ALL that everyday from your commitment. You are a strong man and she is your daughter, a piece not only of her mother but of you too. I bet she can strive to be as strong as you, with you as a teacher. Please think about filing temporary emergency custody as soon as possible so that when she does get out of that hospital you can have the option to help. I know it’s hard, having been stuck watching from the sidelines but you can change that. You can be the one to help pull her out of this darkness and show her the light and imagination life can bring. I love you, I hope this helps if at all possible. I am there if you need family in your corner. You and your daughter are in my prayers and I will be hoping she grows to be the talented, amazing, beautiful, smart young woman we already know she is. Give her a ton of kisses for me and let her know if she ever needs to call, you guys have my number.” I meant every word. Within a week of her being released from the hospital there was talk of her mother taking her to get a piercing and tattoo. I was like, oh hell no, she is getting rewarded? She’s been hurting herself, scared the crap out of everyone in the family and needs help! Her father tried to put his foot down with the law on his side, referring to their joint custody and as far as the rest of the family know, she only got her nose pierced. Her mother said it was a late sixteenth birthday present to keep the arguments down. Like I said as far as we know, she didn’t get the tattoo. Regrettably her mom has to have a second brain surgery which is scary all in itself! She needs a strict, loving parent more NOW than ever, that will actually set ground rules and show her that she can have more pride in herself and that there is more out there for her!!! She needs to keep a steady therapist and family that can hopefully help straighten her path back out. Sixteen turns to seventeen and seventeen turns to, the real start of life.
As parents, ALL of us should be held accountable for our children’s well being whether it be emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and/or financial. Being a parent is not a burden but a blessing! I wish more parents remembered that!
cdudleyblogpage.wordpress.com 